The Scales of Hurting and Hoping

There is a song playing frequently now by Lifehouse called, "Broken". Each time I hear it I find myself turning it up and in tears. The words are something like this, " I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating." It is more specifically about someone who looses a loved one in a car crash. But it resonates with how I have often felt in these past few months since my trip to Nairobi. My experiences have left my heart inside out and I am having to work hard at how to handle my tears, my distraction, the pain that little feels crushing on my chest.

Selfishly, I have wondered:
*when will the tears stop?
*if only tears equalled fat cells I would have lost weight by now
*Why me? Why am I feeling this so deeply?
*Aren't I compassionate enough? I am a cancer nurse for heavens sake.
*I really don't want this pain. Don't have time for it.

But with the same angst I so desperately don't want to forget what I saw. I want to be eternally changed. I want to always have an acute awareness that my life is HIS story and my steps must be chosen carefully with kingdom minded purpose.

Its not just another work day where I can flip that switch in my brain and dump the stress, sadness, grief I may have encountered into a safe, closed place. Those days I know I have stepped into some one's pain, offered what I could but ultimately it is their place not mine.

Fortunately some influential friends in my life have sought to help guide me and these 2 comments keep returning:

1. It is OK to allow my heart to be broken for what breaks the heart of God.
2. It is OK to let go; recognizing and allowing God to remain in control, in charge and in love with His people. Only He can save.

So, here it is that balance of life.

HURTING AND HOPING

In my job has a cancer nurse and hospice nurse, I have stood by and witnessed a lot of shock, a lot of pain, a lot of good-byes. A LOT OF HURTING

BUT

I have also seen the immense power of hope. We hope for healing,"More time Jesus, please", we hope for release of pain, we hope for forgiveness, we hope for the presence of loved ones, sometimes the presence of anyone who cares. We hope that our legacy will live on with fruitful positive outcomes. We hope our loved ones can let us go with peace and courage. A LOT OF HOPE

It's often a tightrope walk balancing two scales one with hurt and one with hope. Without hurt we risk denying reality, resulting in more pain made by lack of attention, uninformed decisions, misplaced grief. Without hope we miss Jesus. Author and giver of reconciliation, compassion and justice.

Yes, allowing my heart to hurt in the reality of pain but remaining in the hope of our Healer is at last an excellent place to be.

He has not allowed me to magically loose weight but he holds my heart together allowing me full knowledge of His mercy and full knowledge that He calls me to obedience.

Are you walking in hurting and hoping today? If so, be encouraged. It is a safe place to be. You may feel like sinking sand but the foundation is firm. Just hold on.

I am wondering if we just hurt or just hope alone do we miss the power of Christ in our lives? In the lives of others?

Lifehouse song, Broken goes on to say, "..in the pain there is healing. in your name I find meaning. So I am holding onto you..." So true.

Comments

Don said…
Excellent and expressive writing. If you ever make a presentation telling about your experience, I sure would like to know about it.

Don
October 30, 2009 at 4:12 PM
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